When the Emptiness Hurts

Addictions and the hunger for something more

The word “addiction” quickly brings to mind drugs, alcohol or cigarettes, but the reality is that addictions go far beyond that. Today, there are those who can't let go of the phone, work, exercise, food, shopping, or even the drama in their lives. And the funny thing is that, although at first glance it may not seem like it, all addictions have something in common: they try to fill a void.

It's not the substance, it's the lack of something.

Gabor Maté, a medical expert in addictions, states that we should not ask “Why the addiction?” but “Why the pain?”. Because behind every person who cannot stop doing something there is an unsatisfied need, an emotional gap that seeks to be filled in some way.

Think about this: a workaholic may have grown up feeling that he or she only has value if he or she is productive. Someone who can't let go of a toxic relationship may have learned as a child that love is earned by suffering. Someone who can't let go of controlling everything might have felt that, as a child, security depended on being alert and anticipating problems.

And here comes the interesting part: the brain gets used to these behaviors and makes them automatic. We fool ourselves into believing that “I couldn't live without this”, when in reality what I couldn't live without is meeting that real need.

Addiction as a refuge: How to get out of the circle?

It's not just about “willpower”. If it were that easy, no one would smoke, no one would get stuck in toxic relationships and no one would eat a pound of ice cream at two in the morning watching sad movies. Getting out of an addiction involves recognizing what need you are trying to plug and learning new ways to fill that space.

Reflection exercise

• Write a list of the things you do “on automatic” to feel good (eating, checking networks, smoking, drinking alcohol, watching series, arguing, shopping, etc.).
• Ask yourself, “What am I really looking for when I do this? Relief? Attention? Recognition?”
• Think of another way to give you that same thing without it being harmful to you.

Examples for getting out of the automatic and regaining control

Cigarettes in the office

A person who has been smoking since the age of 16, but not because she loves the taste. Each cigarette is a pause, a moment to herself. What she really needs is not nicotine, but a break in her day. What if instead of a cigarette, she gives herself 5 minutes of conscious rest?

Midnight shopping

The person who feels an emptiness when he gets home, so he buys things online without thinking about it. It's not the object he's missing, but the feeling of receiving something new. What if instead of a purchase, he gives himself words of appreciation for his daily effort?

The phone you never let go

That person who checks her networks every five minutes, not because there is something important, but because she is afraid of feeling lonely. What if instead of looking for validation outside, she spends some time writing what she values about herself?

The empty toasts

The person who looks for relief from deep pain in every drink. It is not alcohol that he is missing, but the solace and peace he has not yet found. What if instead of a drink, he treats himself to a moment of self-care and love for himself? For example, Have a glass of water before you decide on your next drink. It's not just hydration, it's a little space to ask yourself what you really need.